Cristen discuss how toxic friendships can be verbally and emotionally abusive and why those relationships probably aren't worth trying to save.
Share this on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1zqq2Mx
Share this on Twitter: http://ctt.ec/zygYf
On the web: http://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/
Join Cristen to get down to the business of being a woman and all the Stuff Mom Never Told You about bodies, boys and the female brain.
When I was about, I'd have to say almost turning 10? I met a few friends, I'm not gonna say how I did but I did. One of the girls in the group had one or two mental disorders, the most notable I remember being bpd. As we got older I guess her mental disorder was influenced by her lifestyle (her life sucked, her mom was dead and she didn't have any friends at school) and she became aggressive and..cruel.
So she started channeling the aggression to me and the other kids, but I felt like I was the target. Me being so young I didn't know anything about it. I was kind and I wanted to help her. So I talked to her and shit, but, it didn't do much. She ended up beating me down emotionally whenever I tried to help. I would open up to her and try to get her through her shitty times but she would attack me. She was a bullshit fucking liar and she did whatever she could to try and make me think I was lesser of myself. I cried myself to sleep multiple times, I didn't know anything about her problems I was too young to understand. I was still 10 years old. Just barely finishing elementary. I didn't know anything about depression or anything.
She had depression and threatened to kill herself every time I didn't feel like talking to her. She sent me pictures of her cuts sometimes, she did them on her thighs a lot. I think she called me one time and did it while calling me, she was sick. My problems were tossed aside for hers CONSTANTLY either forcefully or by my own damaged cooperativeness.
She beat me down until I felt nothing but apathy. One day all the screaming, all the crying myself to sleep, the nightmares. It all stopped. After years, 3 if I were to be completely precise. It all stopped. I didn't care anymore, I built walls around anything that let me open up, and to this day I think cast aside my own feelings for others. I think I'm a second priority, and everything about me is able to be tossed aside.
I am an emotional fucking wall, and thank GOD I never hurt myself. I couldn't. I never wanted to end up like her. As I grew up I saw everyone else either not knowing what it was or having the motherfucking privilege of having a teacher or a loved one explain it to them in the most caring and thought out way possible. I was angry. I never got that. The emotional growth of my childhood was sped up, I never got to relish it. By the time I entered 6th grade I knew every fucked up tale in the book. Generalized Anxiety no longer scared me, depression I saw all around me. By the time I hit 7th grade I saw horrid things that I would GLADLY blame on a mental disorder.
My best friends consist of bipolar schizophrenia and anxiety. I'm not scared anymore, I'm not scared to see anyone cut themselves. And the only thing I fear is myself. I turn 14 this year and to this day I'm still the same fucked up monster.
I don't blame anyone anymore.
Does it count if my “best friend” calls be Anorexic, I am skinny and I’m flat so ya. I’m also called an alien because without my glasses I apparently look like an alien. My other friend always calls me s blonde dumb bitch when I get something wrong or ask a question it’s gotten to the point where I just wanna sit in my room and fucking cry all day but I can’t or else my parents will come in and start nagging me! I’m trying to find ways to cry in peace and get my emotions out I fuckig hate myself I’m so fucking ugly 😢😭 Please tell me what I should do someone, anyone!
I have a so called "friend" at my school and I need your opinion. For half of the school year everything was fine, but as things progressed and she started to learn more about me, she used my weaknesses against me. She would constantly kick, punch, slap, and harm me in other ways, and she does this because I am not a very strong person. She would tell people about personal things that I trusted her with, like who I liked, etc. but that really brought my self esteem down. I have tried multiple times to break up the "friendship", but every time, she comes back and will not leave me alone and it gets worse. I have told teachers. my parents, and the principle about it, but nothing happens, at least with the school related adults. What should I do?
Dealing with this now. I thought we were friends but out of nowhere these girls started to ignore me, withdraw any emotional support, becoming bitchy. They have told people they don’t know why I’m mad and tried to make me look crazy. One of them is a massive narcissist, she is very manipulative to the point where people think she’s innocent and timid when she’s not. I’ve had other friends text me basically accusing me of being crazy for cutting them off. I cant even talk about the situation without having a panic attack. I’ve been emotionally abused by a boyfriend before so I know I’m not being crazy.
I have a “friend” who treats me as her slave, hits me, and worst of all sexually abused me. I try to not be her friend but I constantly see her and whenever I try to tell her I don’t want to be her friend she threatens me. She says she knows where I live and can come to hurt or kill me. And she is very aggressive, she’s already punched and kicked me, so yeah I’m kinda scared of her. This “friend” is actually the reason my depression started and now it’s just getting worse. I really have no idea what to do anymore? She’s already had such a big impact on my life. And I’ll never forget what she did to me.
What if you try to leave the friend but they get every one away from you and isolate you so you have no other choice but to go back to her/him or be alone and hated by everyone.... it's a vicious cycle that happens atleast every year and I just can't take it anymore... what do I do
I am kind of in an abusive friendship. This guy would hit me, kick me, punch me and he thought it was funny and that he was just playing around. My skin would swell up a bit when he hit me and I got a bruise once. In this video, he actually applies to the characteristics very well. He never cared about me ever and never paid attention when I would say something about myself. But sometimes he would be nice, and then over time, he would start to bother me and escalated to a point where he is hurting me. That is why I came to this video. He started to back off once I stood for myself I told him that what he is doing is wrong. That is my advice to others. Be serious about the situation.
I had, in fact a abusive friendship. It’s a long story of how she wasn’t the brightest person to hang out with. But, there is one situation that made me cry. I wanna say her real Abel which is Madison. She lives in the same neighborhood as I do, and at the time, it was summer. She had a pool, very small but did the trick. When I entered into her car, while my father and her mother were talking to one another, I spotted my other friend, Bella. Madison then told me
“What are you doing here?”
I was confused, then I let out the answer
“..Because I’m going to your house.”
“You need to get out of my car.”
“Well you didn’t buy it, Madi.”
“It’s my mom’s, so ha!”
As I said that, I exited out of the car, while she said she was only joking. I cried when I got back inside my house, my brother comforting me.
Yes friendships can be abusive and i was in one for two years. Here's my story,
She started out so nice but after a few months she began to say mean things about my looks all the time. She then proceeded to hit me across the face and laugh and think it was hilarious because I couldn't block her SLAPPING me. She laughed at my clothes my hair she called mw ugly she hit me lots . She lied to me so much, there was this one time where she said she reported a teacher off my account for pervertedness. He wasn't but she didn't and I had a huge ass panic attack. She always made me feel so weak and worthless. She would constantly assert her power over me by continuing to hit me, she once floored me and i hit my head on a stone. She told me my noobs weren't big enough I was short my hair was bad and two years of emotional and physical abuse until I plucked up the courage to hit her back. Not the best way to get out but i was so angry I didn't even think. She claimed I wanted to give her concussion... I didn't but she made a scone and was shocked when no one took her side, they all said I was right and that she was a complete and utter bitch. Now she has no friends and i just don't talk to her
When I was younger I had this group of friends. When we started being friends we were about 8 or 9 years old. I was bullied a lot and they didn't stand up for me, but told me that they are the only ones who do not talk shit about me behind my back. I once caught them actually talking about me badly with other people, but they apologised so I forgave them. They would always tell me I had to change myself or give things I loved so I wouldn't be picked on. Everytime we had a fight it was always me who ended up apologising no matter who had done wrong in the first place. I also couldn't hang out with other people. I was isolated from anyone who wasn't them and if I wanted to do something they didn't like they would tell me they would stop being my friends if I did those things. They also called me names I said I didn't like being called and they often doubted my inteligence. The list goes on, but it took me so many years to realise they weren't my friends. Finally I changed classes so I wouldn't see them everyday anymore. I found some better friends and now I'm living a happier life.
I haven't told all of the abuse I got to anyone because I am still afraid that it was my fault and that I deserved it. It wasn't even up until recently that I realised that I was being abused. I hope to spread my story and help others to get out of abusive relationships in the near future.
I have a friend earlier in the year she would say I'm fat then say she was joking then roll her eyes and whisper no I wasn't then laugh so I started to work out more and stop eating now summer some of my others friends noticed and I said to one of my friends oh I thought I was rlly fat so I kinda ovoided food and worked out and now eating isn't rlly a big thing for me and she said I should see a doctor and now my other friend that called me fat now says LOL YOU HAVE NO BUTT ITS SO SMALL HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA it just makes me so sad and she told someone I was being mean to her staying away from her and throwing sticks at her over text she told me she said that and I was like why and she said bc I wanted to and I said well that makes me very upset and she was like UGH WHATEVER BYEE and I was like uhhh okay then she came back and said ahaha jk then I was like oh about the text then she said UGH WHAT UR CONFUSING I MENT IM NOT LEAVING UGH and whenever I hang with someone else she gets mad and says I don't care about her then I apologize then she goes to someone else and laughs and has fun so I leave bc I want to have fun with my other friends and then she walks up anD ROLLS her eyes and gets upset but I don't wanna unfriend her bc we have the same friend group yeah I rlly hope no one sees this that I know Bc I know my problems aren't good enough to share :c idk why I even said this just wanted to get it out I guess ...
I was rejected by a friend who was mentally and emotionally abusive next to isolating me from her friends and family because she was scared that I would chose them over her or vise versa. She also managed to bring out the worst in me in terms of my bad behavior so that she could turn a guy and I against each other who I liked and it succeed. Luckily, he got away from her.
i have been in a abusive and toxic friendship for years and the mental scars i got from it are still horrible and a big part of my social anxiety and paranoia, things lije abusive friendships exist and people really need to know that. please get out while you stil can even if it's hard, i know it is but what you are left with when it's over isn't worth it
what to do if that friend is costantly involved in your life, everywhere you go? and this person is your childhood friend.. Im not sure what to do. my friend always compares my problems to hers and tell me, no, slams it in my face that she knows me in and out and i dont know her, she wont tell about herself either. she complains alot over many different things such as: my feet hurts, im so tired and so on. and when i do it when im legit is sick, she ALWAYS tell me that i complain a whole lot more than her and im overreacting, she is always chrushing my self esteem and puts the blame on me. there is a whole lot more reasons to say but the main thing im trying to say is that she always wants to be ''more'' that me. if i hurt, she hurts way more than me and im not allowed to say i hurt, if i obtain something that she doesnt have, she will complain. and she questions eveything i do and expects an answer that she will like. if i dont have an answer she will chrush me mentally. but still she is my childhood friend and she is everywhere i go. so i cant really distance myself. what to do? i dont want her as a friends now, at least not with her acting this way..
I have this friend who I have been for 9 yrs on facebook the first 4 yrs was great we would talk and come away feeling real good but when she got a boyfriend thing change for a while we,d talk about each others lives her relationship I was trying help her in the meantime I got to emotionality involved with her it wax interfere with my marriage I confessed I had feelings for her and she blocked on Facebook for 3/4 months her sister helped to get back together to patch things up she forgave me (so she says) for a while we had channel for her me and her sister to talk on then she fell out with her sister made me friends again on Facebook ever since it has been confusion she chased after an old boyfriend behind the others back had me to call him to see if he was Reilly married thank god Tracfone wouldn't let me since she talks little when send a message she just don't reply if comment post takes then down feel abused she criticised me me about not having while she is looking for job in England told vehemently I have a back spur pressing on my spine and told her I can't handle even a part time job plus being on disability try to do that in pain she has not talked since I told vehemently I sometimes I don't understand you that it (I felt good for doing it).......feel fling my hand and say to heck with her .
thank you so much for making this. I realized that I'm in an abusive friendship. I need to cut it off with her. she constantly puts me down. I try to metion something about me or her hurting my feelings and she goes up and tries everything to put me down and say she's right. thank you so much.
I used to be in a toxic friendship, but thankfully I switched schools and blocked her (I'll call her "Friend A") on all social media. I'm still friends with someone ("Friend B") who is friends with Friend A. Friend B is a really great person and an amazing friend, but Friend A and Friend B still go to the same school, so Friend B can't leave, even though they want to.
Anyways, Friend A would constantly tell me that I'm annoying and just make me feel like shit. She made me feel like no one liked me and that I was a bad friend. I'm happy that I could leave, but I'm also scared for Friend B.
I had a friend that would insult me then expect me to buy her things. She would never apologize and would call the insults jokes. I'm glad I'm not her friend anymore, but it's still so fresh (2-3 weeks ago) and this video sort of helped me with realizing that we never really were friends.
I'm friends with a boy who is usually a nice (if not strange) person to me, but lately things have been going off. He's been saying things that terrify me- and he knows it. Also, I recently opened up to him about my depression and self-harm, thinking he'd understand, and he just answered saying that he's going through worse. I sometimes feel like I should get out of this friendship- but then immediately feel guilty about thinking that. What should I do?
I had an abusive friendship for 9 years. She made me feel like I was nothing and i thought I existed only to help her. I would follow her around like a dog. She would scold me if I did anything she didn't like. I was nothing and she was everything; she would have day entirely dedicated to beating me up and then we would continue with the day like it was normal.
Junior year of high school I finally broke it off, with the help of my true soulmate and best friend, she help me endure the backlash that proceeded after I "broke up" with my abuser. She still helps with the nightmares and breakdowns I still get because if it. I'm not sure I would be here without her.
I recently found out my abuser has been on and off suicide watch since I left and its hard not to blame myself for that.
Yeah I have got no advice on how to get out of those relationships.
But I'm not even sure if my friend is an "abuser" I always just figured that she was a very negative and insecure person that has to put others down to feel good about herself. I just don't let it bother me. She even seems annoyed when I brush it off...
Can someone tell me if this is neccesarily an abusive relationship? She is fun to talk to, but an hour a week is enough.
I have had sooooo many emotionally controlling or emotionally abusive people in my life growing up from my mother to friends to my older siblings. Now at 34 I've become so good at ending relationships at the first signs of it i don't just burn bridges i blow them up lol I've made myself self reliant to the point i only let a 2 people close to me.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my best friend, and we are still friends but we aren't as close enough for her to be abusive anymore. Luckily I always had my older sister there to temper her when she would be passive aggressive or manipulative, but she would still push me around a lot. Sorry I have no advise on how to get out of an abusive relationship, but they are very real, and if you constantly feel bad after spending time with your friend, then you should reconsider the friendship.
i had this friend in high school who was extremely envious. I'd often win competitions and instead of being happy/proud for me she'd get sarcastic and sharp with me. At one point i stopped telling her abt my achievements but when she'd find out it was even worse. Needless to say I ended all contact with her after graduation but i still feel very guilty and uncomfortable sharing my accomplishments even with friends. I worked for over a year with my colleagues before any of them found out (by accident) that I could draw, for example.
I used to have a friend who would constantly lie, make me feel stupid, and attempt to separate me from my other friends who she didn't like. It got so bad that she had plans to move in with my family when she was 18 because her family was so horrible. I had social anxiety and a couple years ago I was beginning to work through it, and was thinking more about the influences that life choices and people made on me. I realized that she was not a good friend to have and how damaging the relationship was to me so I was forced to end the relationship. I had to ignore her and avoid her the best I could and now we don't speak
Friendships can absolutely be abusive and/or toxic. My last two social circles were emotionally abusive for me. The problem? I didn't realize they were that way until after I had already been booted out. While in, I let myself be completely powerless.
Looking back, I can see how the behavior of others was toxic and inappropriate and insensitive, but while "in" the group, I just remember getting bad treatment and thinking there was something about me that caused it, like it was my fault that I wasn't being treated better by these people calling me their friend. I would put the time and effort into trying to cultivate a good friendship and in hindsight I could see there was an imbalance because that effort wasn't being reciprocated back for me to get any benefit from the relationship. There were instances of other people in the circle coming after me to verbally attack me for things and everyone else would just sit by, or at best they console me in private while refusing to stand up to the others. There was an instance where another girl was younger than me with some anxiety issues, and decided to take some frustrations out on me, and the other girls witnessing it decided to coddle her feelings because she was "just young and didn't know better" until I finally felt the need to just leave. And worse, I still stayed after nearly all of these instances because "but they said they're my friends".
Emotional abuse, while less visible, is far more destructive and its effects longer lasting. Even though I'm out of those groups now, I can still look back and want to cry when I realize how much I blamed myself for getting treated badly and how often I *still* default to "It's probably something I did" today. If only I could have seen then what I see now. It's been over 2 years since one, almost 4 since the other, and I'm *still* trying to undo some of the emotional damage I let myself endure. Do not underestimate the staying power of emotional abuse.
I was "lucky" enough to get booted of those groups, so I have no advice for helping someone leave. However, I can say if you find yourself to be generally miserable with certain people and you can't figure out why, there might be something about the relationship that you've ingrained as "normal behavior" which is anything but. The best advice I can give is advice that was given to me by an older co-worker. "You have to teach people how to treat you." No statement has ever had stuck more profoundly than that one about how to manage relationships because no, you *don't* have to just accept what people give you. Asking for more or leaving are equally as valid options.
I was in an abusive friendship until I was 12/13 and I only realised that it was actually abusive until this year (I'm 18). I knew she was a bad friend, but I never fully understood that she manipulated me. But someone who constantly puts you down but is nice in front of others, is nice to you when they need you, exposes you to their sister, changes your personality, makes you wish they were sick and makes people point out how different you are when they are sick, etc. is definitely an abusive friend. And I still suffer from it to this day. Lack of self-confidence, trust issues, self harm - it all came from that friendship. And it doesn't help that I only remember life as her "best friend" and life after being her "best friend". My life is still occupied by her and I hate it.
I don't know how to leave!!!!! She is a very close friend and I don't know how to just cut her out!!! We spend so much time together. I have been trying to be less passive when she puts her down but then I'm just adding more fire to an argument....
End the friendship right now. I didn't know how to leave either and I felt so trapped and the thought of cutting ties with her was terrifying. But you do not owe her ANYTHING. It took me telling my mum about the things she was saying or doing to me to make me finally realise she was being abusive. I sent her a short message and ended it there and then, and I blocked her on social media. Seriously, it's scary for the first 5 minutes but I feel so free now. If you go to the same school as her, ignore her. Sit with other friends who make you feel good about yourself and you know will stand up for you. If she tries to contact you, ignore her or you can simply say I do not want to talk to you. Be strong. You can do this. You don't know how good it will feel once it's over.
scenepunk09 no, but we're both in theater so that's 4 hrs every night, and we have lunch together. She's my bestfriend but she sometimes just explodes. Luckily, since school has started, she has been so much better. I think we just needed the catalyst of school to help us out. Except now she's dating the guy I like..... oh well.
I had a friend who I keep making up with my family thinks I should just drop her we were friends for a while and it was fine but like idk she just started making up excuses to argue get mad when I didnt have the same opinion she always made me feel guilty ways acted like she was victim. one time I remember she started to lose weight and she said "I didn't want to show you pictures of me after I lost weight cuz I didn't want to make you feel insecure" and I know it's dumb to hold a grudge over that but it's always just in the back of my mind and it hurt so much she's even said to me and my other friends "I have life out side of you guys" and "just bc I love you doesn't mean I need you" made me feel unwanted and she just said these randomly out of no where, I try and talk about something I find exciting and she just responds with cool or k and then she starts talking about something she's excited about and gets mad at me when I don't respond in a excited way, she also lied to me about something and then she kept saying "I'm telling you the truth" but she just doesn't understand she still lied to me she still broke our trust and she kept making up excuses and after we'd stop being friend she'd do something and make me feel bad for her so I forgave her cuz I felt guilty like i was the problem like i did something wrong idk if this is abuse I mean its probably not I wouldn't want to call it that but Im not her friend any more but I'm scared I'm gonna forgive her again but I don't want to she makes me feel like crap.
Can both sides be abusive? Like, there's no reason to have this experience time and time again unless I'm unintentionally being abusive myself. Playing the victim I guess? Always feeling like i'm being attacked however irrationally and making people angry for manipulating them in the way.
maxbyer Actually it is possibile. Me and my ex girlfriend are both very manipulative and the abuse is mutual even though in this period I feel like I'm really trying to be a cool person and she's just being an assholes tbh
Lookin at all the brave women who have posted a comment here it makes me feel sad that im probably the only GUY here with abusive friends. I dont know anymore how to be with the people i wanna be friends with without being friends with the ones that are crap. they just think they're having good fun, but why cant they see how much it affects others.
I have this "friend" who constantly bashes my taste in music, movies, shows, and pretty much anything else that I love (she even talks over me when I'm trying to talk about something I'm passionate about), but I can't really get away because we are in a small class/grade of only 80 people, so if I cut ties with that group she's in (and she in a lot of the same classes and activities as I am), there aren't many options. My solution has been to kinda just ghost her, because I know she's moving away for a year in a couple months...
I'm helping my friend get out of a toxic relationship. Her so called "friends" poke Her with pencils (so hard it hurts) and what's sad is when she told me about this she asked me not to laugh at the fact that they hurt her. I wonder how long she has been friends with these people. Maybe they used to be in a great relationship, but then they realized they could verbally and physically abuse her and get away with it.
When I was 10-13, I used to be physically abusive of my male friends, to the point I'd bruise them (i'm a girl) and it was like an instinct, for me to answer like this. Nowadays I still get violent without realizing it, regardless of the gender/sex. That's because of my insecurities. So if you have a "friend" like me, know that it's probably because their self-esteem is low that they act like they do, and that you are not the one who have to take care of this issue. Maybe tell them, maybe don't, but know that they're not healthy, because they aren't fine. You musn't sacrifice yourself for someone who won't try to be healthier, so if they don't wanna change, quit.
When I was 10-13 years old there was a girl who lived in my neighborhood who I was best friends with. Sometimes she would be really nice to me but other times she would insult me and make me feel like crap, beat me up, steal money from me, and once she actually tried to drown me in a swimming pool.
+bibi bip In my experience, "hurt people hurt people" is a pretty real phenomenon. There's generally a reason why people become toxic, and feel a need to be in control/superior. I've been on both sides of it, the bad friend, and the friend of a bad friend, the most proactive thing to do is to is to find a counselor to help you figure out what is causing you to feel that way, and find a way to get closure/dial down the symptoms.
I do think people can change. It's hard work, but self-awareness is worth it.
Last school year I had experienced living with an emotionally abusive suitemate without realizing it until now. While I fully admit that I had made some mistakes in forgetting to warn the rest of my suitemates about stuff, this girl I lived with made me feel horribly guilty about it all. She would talk about me behind my back rather than tell me what was going on, criticize me for how I spent my money and tell me that she wouldn't be yelling at me if I just would have done it her way. Every time I was around her, I was not being listened to and my feelings were not invalid. Also, anytime she did something wrong she would make excuses as to why it was okay but anytime I did something wrong, I wasn't allowed to have any excuses. It got to the point where I got so afraid of her that I couldn't even wash my hands next to her without feeling like she was about to explode.
Thankfully I made a great decision to move out and live with a very supportive friend but it's taken me nearly half a year to fully get back to being myself (and there's still a lot that I have to work on). For example, I'm learning how to be sad again because I let her convince me that being sad was- in her words, "emotional and childish"
Can you do a video about parents being psychologically and emotionally abusive? My mom constantly tells me I'm fat and I'm a failure even though I have recently lost weight and I just got a full time job using my neuroscience degree.
I had a Best friend who turned on me badly. We spent a lot of the together in the first year of sixth form and we were the centre of /were the leaders of our friendship group. But she had a very unhealthy diet and, eating as she was, I put on a fair amount of weight. After a while I realised I had gained weight, and I dieted for myself, didn't day anything against her or try and do anything to stop her eating how she wanted. But as I lost weight, we served to grow apart. I want invited to her house as often.
The last time that I was there, she told me that she was the one that spread a rumour that I fancied a girl in my maths class when I was in high school. This rumour had caused me a lot of problems, I'd been bullied about it and I lost the girl as a friend. Turns out she had fancied this girl herself and had thrown me under the bus to take the attention off her. After this, she began systematically ostracising me from the friendship group, turning the others against me, getting everyone else involved in nasty little jokes that I was the butt of and generally making me friendless.
She had listened to me taking about how much it hurt when I was in high school and one person had turned all my friends against me and made me friendless. She did it in exactly the same way because she knew it would hurt me the most.
Whenever i try to talk about myself, my friend just cuts me n continue n she constantly says im fat I'm annoying im useless n honestly i was very sick of it so i stopped being her friend so i went to another friend n it was fine till she did the same n so i just thought that i should just stay friendless but then my old friend came back to me cause she didnt have other friends so yea we're kind of back together?but im still really upset she does this even now but idk if i want to stop being her friend cause she sits beside me n its gonna be really weird n awkward...but on a side note because of all the failed friendships i have,i hate myself. Not on the outside but on the inside. Its really weird but i feel that its because of my personality all my friendships failed. Its just really affecting me n gives me a lot of stress that i cannot bring myself to tell anyone n its really very stressful n idk how to cope with it so i ended up selfharming but i managed to stay clean for 25 days now but its really tempting like im not kidding at all i just dont know if anyone understands or not...
I had a friend who was actually not a really good friend at first but I was willing to make it work , so I was a bit confused when after 4 years of not being that close we got close too fast, and it continued to not work out and I recognised the abusive signs after maybe 4 months. I realised immediately what it was having lived in an abusive home, but coming from a friend just sucks so it was an immediate ''Nope, not my friend anymore'' but I'm still in contact with him even if he continues to prove/show he's abusive because even if I say to myself I could easily break it off, he's my only ''friend'' and the only person I'm in contact with outside my family on a regular basis so I think that's why I haven't ended it yet. My advice would be as soon as you notice the signs, if you've done what you can to fix the friendship but it's still not working out, find a way to leave the friendship or if you feel you could do it better when angry, get him/her to show you their abusive side so you have proof of it and they can't deny it or hide behind excuses. That being said, if I've still not worked mine out, not sure I'm in the position to give advice on ending the friendships but don't mistake being a bad friend with being an abusive friend, and if you notice the person is both that's a warning right there and don't allow yourself to be guilty for wanting to free yourself of that relationship if they're abusing you(if you don't feel guilty, all the better! Just adding because in some cases you feel bad for the other person but considering my experience with abuse, I don't feel guilty about wanting to end the friendship since I don't want to stand for that kind of crap anymore, I just don't know how to do put a halt to it yet)
I was in an abusive friendship for a year. This girl would force me to hang around her, turn my friends against me for her own pleasure, and send me long ranting messages about "everything I did wrong that day" (like hang out with other people, not laugh at a joke she said, or not walk with her after school). After being bullied into a friendship I tried to get out of multiple times, I was just absolutely done and couldn't handle the stress of being around her anymore. She made me feel responsible for her suicide attempts saying things like if you had only been awake to receive my messages, maybe this wouldn't have happened. In the midst of a very one sided argument with her, I finally said "I'm done. Goodbye" and ignored her ignoring me. She was very upset that I blocked her and told all my friends about the terrible wrong I had done her. I lost those people from my life. Regardless of how petty she is about all of this, I feel free and I feel like I have this darkness gone from my life.
This is EXACTLY the same thing that happened to me. I don't know you but I'm so proud of you for getting out of the relationship! I recently ended an extremely abusive 'friendship' and it's honestly the best thing I have ever done. I finally feel free.
This video really hits home for me. I was in an abusive friendship where I would ask her time and time again if we could hang out and each time she would say that she was busy. This sent me into a period of depression where I felt worthless and unwanted. I got out of it by deciding that I didn't need her in my life and each time I'd think of her I'd think "fuck you."
Is it emotionally abusive for me to point out when somebody is being ignorant about something or if they do something I feel is wrong when they constantly do it? I know that calling someone out for being harmful can cause them to doubt themselves or feel insecure, but is it abusive for me if I tell them something is making me uncomfortable when it occurs more than it should have to?
Just recently got out of an abusive friendship. We met a year ago, and soon we became best buddies. He revealed a lot about his insecurities, and we started getting lunch and dinner everyday. And then three months later, one day, he ordered me to pick up his laptop, and I asked him to say please, and he blew up. Went into this 1 hour yelling session, where he berated me for not "respecting him". Then the superiority complex. He was always better than me, i knew nothing, i was ignorant, stupid, on top of undatable, unattractive, "fat fuck", "worthless piece of shit", whenever he got "mad" at me. If i was anymore than 4 or 5 minutes late, I was worthless. Anything I brought up was uninteresting, yet I was a "wet towel" and an "uncool friend", if I just let him talk. His main goal was to literally take anything I said, and then either downplay it, tell me it was a stupid idea. I dance and sing, and whenever I did that in front of him, he would be "repulsed", because dancing isn't a real sport. And I sing badly (#nottrue). This has happened multiple times and just got worse. Took me a while to realize how low on the self-confidence scale I had dropped. I'm 2 months free of him, and it feels great. Thanks for this video!
gosh I hate those people I thought I was the only one :((( it's so manipulating ... she uses b^'^2 word as a sarcastic way and she gets angry when I make joke also like that........ Thank you Christine ^^
Friendships can definitely be abusive. I had a "friend" for 6 years who would constantly put me down, convinced me to cut myself, she always made me feel like I was ugly, like I would never have anyone to love me (which made it worse, because she made me feel like she was the only one I had and thus made me dependent on her), she would mock me and my achievements and I felt downright miserable all the time. The problem was, whenever I tried to tell her how I felt or whenever I wanted to leave her, she threatened with suicide. She never listened to my problems, never took me seriously and treated me like a stupid child. When I told her I had a crush on a guy, she even talked bad about me to him. After the guy stopped talking to me (and we had a good relationship before) I tried to kill myself. When I told her that, she laughed at me and called me stupid. And now that I have a boyfriend, she flirted with him and even found out my phone code and texted him. (Luckily he noticed and told me and I can trust him so I know he wouldn't cheat). The problem is that she is in a group of my friends and they don't seem to realise how fake and downright psychopathic she is. The problem is that you can not "break up" with a friend, especially when you're in the same class and have the same friends. Lucky for me, I went abroad for half a year and I just stopped contact with her and said I was too busy. After I got back I just kept avoiding her whenever I could and now she had to repeat the year and I'm out of school and I'm so happy I will never have to see her again. All you people in abusive relation- or friendships, stay strong, you're worth it. Get help and get out of there!
I have a friend who is competitive in everything even in who is going through the most turmoil! What's difficult with ending that relationship is the she is my best friend's sister. All I can do is avoid her as much as possible. She expects everyone to be interested in her life but never asks how anyone else is doing or about their day. And I feel like the only person in our group who sees her for what she really is.
Just realized I had a friend like that, the cycle and all. About 1 year and half after I decided I had enough of her bullshit. She came to me and apologize and ask if we could be friends again cause we were oh so close once and bla bla bla. I said yes.... But 2 days later my best friend told her to stay away from me or she would beat her. The girl never spoke to me again. If my bff had not done that I think I would still be her punching bag.
I've noticed "Cliques" are a lot like abusive relationships because in most of them you're not allowed to wear certain things, can't have other friends outside of the group, are put down all the time, can't date anyone the leader of the group doesn't approve of, etc. I remember in middle school they gave us a pamphlet about abusive relationships and I was like "wait this is how my friends treat me."
I've been hit, slapped and choked by my "friends" and completely controlled and manipulated by them, friendships can absolutely be abusive.
I had a friend that bullied my other friends and physically abused and threatened me and my friend she would also lie and say that we were bullying her. None of our teachers would do anything to help I still have scars from her abuse if you are in a relationship similar to this get out of it before the abuse gets worse
I've been on both sides of abusive friendships. First being the recipient of several abusive friendships and now finding myself being the bad friend. (I didn't realise it until recently but I am honestly trying to improve)
Regarding past abusive relationships, I remember a lot of my close friends forcing me to do things that made me uncomfortable and even sent me into several spirals of depression. There are so many instances that I can't even bother listing them out but they ranged from stuff like forcing me to befriend/hangout with people that bullied me before to manipulating me and my then best friend into not talking anymore.
All of this has made me completely lose trust in the notion of close friends. Sure, I do have people I talk to here and there but I've built this wall around myself and I just can't seem to let anyone in.
As for being a bad friend, there is this one person that has gone out of their way to prove they're a good friend more often than I deserve but I can't seem to let them in. I talk to her when she says she needs someone to talk to but otherwise shut down and go cold. I don't text or meet her for months, making up excuses until my mood is more on the positive side. I want to be there for her and be someone she deserves but just don't know how. I'm afraid my behaviour will actually push her away and she'll give up on me.
I'm still working on it but I've begun opening up to her more. Instead of just vanishing without a text or call for days, I honestly tell her I'm in a bad funk and she seems to understand. Hope I can keep improving and become the friend she deserves.
Sorry for this wall of text on your comment section but it's comforting to see someone address an issue that not many discuss/acknowledge and to know that so many others have worked through it too. Really glad I found your channel!
I've never been through this myself, but I've known people who have, and I notice it almost always ends with the abuser turning everyone else against the abused once the friendship is over. It's sick and wrong.
I had a friend who would lie constantly about EVERYTHING. She lied about being pregnant for attention. All she wanted was attention. She said she was a lesbian but never dated a girl and had been with the same boy for 3 years?
She gave my personal blog url out to people so they could bully me about it and then tried to be "there" for me when they would do that when she was the one who caused it.
After I tried to kill myself she said her mom made her block me on all social media and that I couldnt hang out with her. She invited me to go and chill with a group of my friends and then i was about to get on the bus and she said "sorry my mom said you're not allowed to come". So I get home and im crying and my dad calls her mom and her mom said she never did such a thing and basically this "friend" made the whole thing up to exclude me. And then she goes and made all my other friends hate me, and now she makes an effort to whenever she sees me talk loud enough about what she is doing with my old friends so I can hear it as a way to torture me. And she used my suicide attempt as a way to get attention.
Oh on multiple occasions she told me shed meet me at the mall and when i was there I'd wait and text her and she wouldn't answer and I'd long on to facebook and see her post pictures of her and her boyfriend somewhere else.
Sorry she did something else today and I'm so fucking upset
I had a friend growing up that was extremely emotionally abusive, and occasionally physically abusive. She did everything she could to isolate me, put me down, and generally make me feel like shit. She had me convinced that no one would ever like me in any way shape or form, and that I could not function without her.
It was all under the guise of her being blunt, or "just joking," it was incredibly toxic.
One of my friends always takes me to events but once she meets people she knows there I'm obsolete. She also talks to them and laughs about stuff they did together or inside jokes while I'm standing by. Although she willingly drives us or gives me gifts I ferl like our friendship is not on a deep level. She doesn't really open up when I ask her about personal stuff, while there are others she can talk to for hours... For a long time I thought I didn't have anyone elsebit I've been blessed with people who truly respect and apprechiate me.
Getting out of abusive friendships is really hard when you're a kid or young adult in school. You can't distance yourself from the person, you can't avoid them, and you can't just hope that they go away. Every single abusive friendship I was ever in ended with that person becoming an enemy, a flat out bully with no sugar coating. And that can either be a lot better or a lot worse depending on their social status. Having everyone think you're friends with the popular kid is much better than having everyone know the popular kid hates you. Looking back, I wish I'd made the choice to stay in abusive friendships to avoid the abuse from every single friend that person had. You don't want an enemy with a lot of friends.
Yep. An ex friend of mine was a classic in the Drama cycle. I ended up in therapy to undo a lot of the damage she did (mad props to my Boss for supporting me) The end was when she got me a job at her work and made me her bitch, and constantly belittled and demeaned me. She's lie to the boss about things and any mistake she made was blamed on me, even to clients, which compromised the entire workplace. Worst day, I nearly crashed my car on the way to the office because I had an anxiety attack contemplating another day under her.
Her whole life was a drama, love life, professional and friendships. She burned through friends and lovers like no one I've ever seen before or since. She's break up relationships, but was the victim if her heart was broken, make a new friend each week, only to bitch about how useless they were the following day. She had to be the center of attention, either the weeping damsel, or the kick arse know it all. But she would talk down to people who were struggling or mock them for not being as together, pretty, talented or popular as she was (when she clearly wasn't any of those). She seriously warped the term 'Fake it till you make it".
Anyway her lies and inconsistencies came back to bite her at work and she had a meltdown, accusing everyone of sabotaging her. She resigned before she got fired. I stayed, got promoted, have the best boss a gal could ask for and I'm on my way up in an industry I would never would have considered. Bad news is, she is still mutual friends with others in my circle, and occasionally damage still arises from her influence. Things improve daily and people are wising up tho.
I used to have this friend who was a bit younger than me. She had all sorts of past problems (she got herself into) and I still left open the possibility that we might become friends. We got closer and she started coming over at my house every single night, having dinner with my family etc. She considered herself to be open-minded and yet she judged other people, because of their weight or preferences and I STILL accepted that and we remained friends. As I let her get closer, she began mocking me for the clothes I chose to wear- at the time I was really into Punk. The funny thing was she herself liked the exact same stuff, but made fun of me anyway. Even being too honest with her was something she laughed at. She mocked my every gesture, every word... Everything I did! It even got to the point where she started referring to me as "dumb-ass". Like "Hey dumb-ass, 'cool hat'! Ha-ha!" And I probably was one for allowing any of that to happen! It was one of those relationships that make you ask yourself "How did I get in this mess!?" I lived my life as I saw fit without hurting anyone. One day she turns around and tells me to $%#* off, just like that. Plain and simple. Tells me I "don't respond to her list of standards". And that was that. I had accepted her the way she was, with all her flaws and that attitude of hers but she could not do the same for me. Then it hit me: I had handed her my respect like a cheap gift, instead of her earning it and valuing it, like a friend should. Sometimes when you're too good to people, they can take you for granted and also take your goodness as a sign of weakness. For a long time I asked myself what had gone wrong and one day I finally realized it: Good riddance and thank God that person is out of my life!
If I couldn't explain it before, it's because I didn't have these words. Thank you for expanding on the topic. It gave me clarity and helped me better explain why this "friend" was effecting me in such a destructive way, and that it was not in my head.
I've had a toxic friendship with a girl that evolved into having attraction to one another. As we didn't necessarily have romantic feelings for each other, she would see/be with other people and that was fine, but as she struggled with how she felt about me she treated me worse and worse. Maybe it was to keep me at an emotional distance. In any case, I do feel friendships can be abusive and I didn't realize mine was so toxic until long after we didn't talk anymore. Good information for others.
As a person who has had nothing but toxic/abusive friendships, its one of the saddest things to endure.Wanting to be loved an accepted is the most human quality we all have, and I have been striving for that for the majority of my life. At the present time, I have one friend that I can count on but she is an hour away from me, and very busy most of the time, so as of now if feels as if I have no one near me as a companion. I spend a lot of time alone, and although its pretty good sometimes, others its the worst.However if you were to ask me would I rather be this way or back in those toxic friendships....Hellz no!
When I started my first semester of college I met a girl in my choir class and we became friends. But the longer we were friends the worse I felt about myself and it really felt like I was there to make her feel important. She would make fun of me a lot and make me uncomfortable by making assumptions about my sex life which she knew I hated. I lost a couple of other really good friends that she still hangs out with frequently which is sad because I liked them. But now I'm making room for healthy, fulfilling friendships that make me and them happy.
I used to have an abusive friend when I was younger who lived across the street from me. One time she just randomly came into my house saying she was my friend so she could be in there, then another time she threatened to hit me with a rock when I made her mad. Luckily I moved away from there a long time ago.
A piece of advice to people experiencing this, just leave. Don't say anything, don't do anything, don't look for ways to make it improve or to make him/she pay for all he/she does.
Leave and forgive like he/she wouldn't do to you. Do your best to not feel angry. You're not leaving to make him/she pay, you're leaving because you want to be happy. There's no point in wasting more time, all the feelings you keep are a bond between you and the friendship you don't want to move on with.
Let go of everything and live your life with confidence in yourself, you don't need their approval. Best of luck.
hi cristen, i have this friend at college and she is always quite stressed or angry about different things quite often and she takes her anger out on me quite a lot by hitting me or pinching me etc. and i usually just let it slide or say "ow you're hurting me can you stop?" but she'll stopped and then she'll do it again but i don't always mind cause i know that sometimes she's just messing around and she's also a really good friend. But lately i've got pretty sick and tired of it and i want to tell her that she needs to stop taking her anger out on me cause it does hurt and i am her friend but i don't know how, can you help?
When I was in high school I was in a emotional abusive friendship. I decided to stay in it for four years because I thought it would be too awkward to see her everyday in class. I allow her to break me down, make fun of me and then act like everything was alright. Finally I decided to end this horrible friendship because she said a stupid threat about my older sister. That's where I drew the line...i know i should've ended it a long time ago but no one hurts the ones I love. I called her up and said it's over. She tried to talk me out of it. It was over. I felt so FREE after that, like a huge weight was lifted from me. Now I am aware not to surround myself with that kind of negative energy and people who like to tear other people down to make themselves feel better. I hope other people who are in negative friendships to have courage to talk to the other person and be honest about how they feel.
Recently I moved to a new school and the first day this group of girls invited me to hang out with them at lunch, but there was this one girl who was new also but she was rude to me. If I said nothing she would ask me why i don't speak much then i would try to say but she would ignore me, then if i said something that was weird to her she would say "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" or if i said something that she didn't like, then if i said something like her or i liked the same thing she would say "YOUR JUST TRYING TO COPY ME!" and sometimes she would tell me to shut up. I kept telling myself i was being too sensitive since it hurt when she yelled at me, my parents yell at me if i do something wrong and i didn't want that at school too. I felt lightly depressed and thankfully she left the school in 2 months of attending, I did leave before she left though since I realized that she was being mean and rude. Actually another girl who was in the group left with me and we found a much nicer group of girls :)
So my sister and I have always wondered, in our adult lives, how do you break up with your friends? As a kid, it was easy. Yelling, "I don't want to be your friend anymore!" or sending a note across class would do the trick. But as adults, we are expected to be mature and reasonable about these things. I've done it, of course. Gotten rid of abusive friends and it was messy, but I've always been curious about just *how* to go about breaking up with your friends as an adult.
I had a crappy friend, she slapped me and split my lip and then said I was lying and cut my own lip. I was done and just stopped talking to her and she cried and wailed and was super dramatic about it at school to try to make me feel guilty... and I did. Then I had another friend who was really manipulative, bossy, and self centered and one time we were at her lake and these drunk guys were coming after our paddle boat and being super creepy (we were only like 14 or 15) and she said "They won't catch up for a while lets dive in since we haven't yet and then get out of here" she counted to three, I dove in and she didn't. She paddled the boat away laughing and I was left in the middle of the lake with these creepy drunk guys shouting horrible things at me and I started having an asthma attack. I thought I was going to die, but my adrenaline kicked in and I was crying and in pain from my asthma but I made it back to her dock and dragged myself to her room for my inhaler. she didn't even get out of the hot tub when she saw me gasping for air and she'd known me since 3rd grade she KNEW I had asthma. I was supposed to sleep over another night but I just fucking left I walked all the way home trying not to cry. I still don't know why she did that it was one of the scariest experiences of my life and I'd never forgive her.
My friend in sixth grade was emotionally abusive to me, and I think to the other girl she was friends with too. She also was putting me down about my appearance, and embarrassing me (I started my period in sixth grade, so that was the main point of embarrassment) She isolated me by not letting me be friends with anyone else in the class. I remember one time I was out with my mom all day, and this was before everyone had cell phones, so we came home to eleven messages on the answering machine. My mom got mad about that, and when I told her not to leave more than one or two messages for me, she got mad and wouldn't talk to me for a week. I would make up excuses a lot of the time to that I wouldn't have to hang out with her. Then she changed schools for seventh grade, and poof, it was like I never existed. I didn't realize how scared I actually was of her until I ran into her on day and had an anxiety attack. I'm 21 now, and still feel like I'm dealing with the aftermath of that friendship. I really don't have any idea how to make friends, and I think a big part of that is because she twisted the definition of what a friendship should be to me.
I spent 3 years in an abusive friendship. She would tell me how clever and creative I was. Then spend all my money. Tell me I was to emotional and stupid. And ever go as far as to hit me. And after she verbally and/ or physically break me down she would buy me gifts. And say how she was sorry. And she want never hurt me.
I was friends with a girl who once called me an idiot for being a Christian and would always put me down I was like her stress punching bag. I was in art class and sat next to her and she would always bash on my art and say mine would never be good as hers. She was always in a bad mood but she would turn around and be nice to me and joke around with me in a not putting me down way. I was 14 and so confused by what a healthy relationship was so I thought it was fine. I am so glad that I am in college now so I don't have to see her anymore because we continued to be friends up until graduation. I have no idea why I let a relationship like that continue :(
I was in an abusive friendship when I was in the seventh grade. There were five of us who considered ourselves a close circle of friends. One girl was constantly instigating what I only saw as "drama" at the time. She would talk behind everyone's backs and try to find out the secrets people were keeping for other girls in the group-- usually a fear or something that embarrassed them (we were 12-13, keep that in mind). She would then bring up the fearful or embarrassing topic in front of the whole group, making both the girl who had a secret around that topic AND the girl who had given up the secret squirm.
She would also randomly "break up" with me and then reconcile. She did everything to get a force behind her to gang up on another person. She also lied in a way that seems compulsive in hindsight. When I came out to her as bisexual, she said, "Me too!" Then retracted the statement later. And later said, in front of the whole group, "Bi people just want to have sex with everything."
If someone's feelings were hurt, she would declare them unable to take a joke, or too sensitive, and get others to back her up. In my memory, I feel like I was particularly picked on by her, but she did it to everyone. It was as if she would be at a different point in the cycle with everybody at the same time. Reconciling with one person often involved "taking down" someone else.
Her insults resulted in insecurities that it took a long time to get over-- and one's I still struggle with. She told me I acted as though I was better than everyone else. She told me I was too sensitive. She told me I was an attention whore. She told me my family was shameful. She told me I was a bad friend. She told me I was stupid. She told me I was lazy.
I came home crying almost every day that year. I began to withdraw as much a I could, spending my lunch break on the floor of a classroom with a book rather than sit in the cafeteria with her. I don't know why I chose to do that instead of just sitting with someone else. There weren't a ton of other people I could sit with, but there were others, including people I actually liked.
Ultimately I broke off the friendship and my ties to her as well as the other girls (I hurt the others as much as they hurt me. We were to blame for our actions, but I could never, in my heart, hold it against them. They were encouraged and led by a controlling sadist, as I was). With encouragement bordering on insistence from my parents, I switched schools for the eighth grade-- where I found myself inexplicably popular and where I had healthy friendships with decent people. I can't describe the relief.
I'm 23 now. That mean girl is a decade in my rear view mirror. And yet I was well into my teens before I stopped hating her. And I was in my twenties before I stopped hating myself. We consider these things minor or trivial, because the stuff 12 year old girls fight about often is minor or trivial. But the feelings aren't. The feelings are big and very, very real, and that's what scars. Can friendships be abusive? Absolutely, and it can happen to people of all ages.
To me any type of relationship(including acquaintances, family, etc) can be abusive if the other person doesn't have adequate support around them(healthy environment, life situation) a lot of things come into play. One thing is certain though, even if you say you're a strong willed person who won't take an abusive friend, the catch 20/20 is you can end up lonely(not alone, that's a separate) if you get too set in your ways. It's good to be cautious just not paranoid.
I actually had an abusive friendship myself, where I was the abusive part. When I came to a new school, I didn't know anybody and started a friendship with a shy girl that seemed nice. but it turned out that she was better than me in anything I thought I was good at, so I became really jelous of her, and her presence made me feel worthless. But she was my only friend in that class and I needed her, but I figuered out that she was dependent on me, too. I was always mean to her, because I could, and it made me feel better about myself when she was around me. I constantly put her down and lowered her self-esteem to increase mine. It went on like this for 3 years, than I suddenly realised that I need to stop this, since it's just plain wrong. I ended that friendship, explaining her my jalousy, leaving her shocked and us both lonely (we still didn't have anybody but ourselves in that class). While she finally found connection to the others over time, I got bullied. I guess she enjoyed it, for her it was some kind of revenge, telling everyone what an awfull person I am, how I'm ugly and childish. All the things I used to say to her. I got out of bullying, but thats an other story. In the end, I think it was some sort of karma.
Right here Kristen. My cousin is doing EVERYTHING you explained an abusive friend does to everyone he comes into contact with. I am not hyperbolizing either. In order for me to get out of that friendship, I just don't speak to him or associate with the people he has his claws dug into.